Friday, May 8, 2009

The Humor of Elephants & Jackasses

For those who don't know about history ... here
is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains
during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster
in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history
were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was
invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern
civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and
that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting
around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing
animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the
nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This
was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved
into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group
therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how
to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be
symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime
added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat
raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most
of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud.
They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservative s are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, Marines, airline pilots and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most
of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a
momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just
to piss them off.

And there you have it. ; Let your next action
reveal your true self...

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